Whats the point in trying to pretend that everything will only get better, because it wont, it never will and it never has. Its getting worse every every hour, every minute of every second of the day. I feel selfish knowing that others have it alot worse then i have, but i look at my friends and think how is this fair; were good people and we dont deserve this pain..she doesn't deserve this pain.
I look around and i see happy faces and it makes me wounder...is that smile real? do they really feel like that! ive learnt i cant fake a smile, i dont want to but i dont want everybody to think im a worthless depressed girl who cant hold it together, but they dont understand, they wouldn't..they say they know how it feels but they dont they think they do.
Im sick of imagining, i imagine what seem like fairytale lives, what i wish my life could be someday..but them words he speaks, them words he told me whilst she was out bought me back down to reality. She does everything and we sit there and take her for granted, she does everything, and all we say is thankyou. Well sweet karma is knocking on our door, sweet revenge is upon us, but she's the one who will still suffer.
The youngest is still yet to understand how this all works, she's the one who will have to understand things dont always go our way. I now we fight little one but your a more rebellious me, confused but fighting against everything. I dont want to have to watch you feel the way i did when your my age, i know how much it hurts and eats away at your heart until its just little flakes of nothing.
Why you? why her? why us?, 27 of us will go through this together, seeing it, living it. Some maybe more then others, some dont now how bad things have gotten over the years. 1 will feel the stress an wonder where he went wrong? another 1 will feel as if this happened to everybody, 1 will stand there and hide under her quilt watching the light from her eyes dim in that seat, that 1 person will watch everybody and everything crumble around the family and wonder how she will pick up the pieces. If she can pick up the pieces..
I see the worry on both there faces, the suffering, the fear, the anger. These four people have to stick together like glue, stay strong for one another but theres more to it then feelings. Its the pure torture of waking up every morning and living the nightmare over and over and over again, but it gets worse everytime you wake up.
There's no more hope we can use to ease the pain. It was my fault, i sometimes think what if i had dent of been born would their lives be different? if i changed the pattern could these last 14 years ever of existed of so much pain, not being able to run around with the kids? not being able to do things other mums can do?
There's no more sheer determination inside me. This room i sit in is the only place i can escape, its filled with things i dont use, things i dont need, things that i dont even know i had, i still hear them speaking words, they sound normal, why cant we be normal? as soon as i put my foot outside of the door its like a spirit is dragging me out of the room, screaming at me and slapping me in the face, forcing me to watch the nightmare continue..but i dont want to.
She's so brave, she puts on a smile to keep us all strong and to hide away the pain. I cant keep my eye's dry when i talk about her, i never have been able to i never will not even now. She'd sit in the cinema with me for a few hours whilst we watched a film, even though it caused her pain. She'd go on walks to please the family and make sure we where having a good time even though it caused her pain.
Im dreading the day it happens, im kind of embarrassed that she wont be like other mums, im kind of hurt that she's not like other mums, that she cant take her kids out to a big Field and run around with them until she gets tiered. I sometimes think how selfish im being, how if i feel so much hurt how does she feel. People can be mean, people are mean, they make fun of people like her but they dont understand how much it can affect just one person. They will be the end of me. Nobody will love me when behind closed curtains my life is so different, they wont understand.
We seem to get through every little problem but this is bigger then any of us. Im scared for everyone, i dont know if we will ever get through this one. I just dont now anymore.
Im deleting all the imaginary things out of my life, all the dreams and wishes all the papers that i have made, i dont need you to make me feel like every things going to be ok dont want to live on a lie.
Dad, carry on being strong, you've done so much for us and without you we wouldn't have the happiness we do.
Deeney, you stay strong, and dont let anybody tell you your not good enough, dont let anybody hold you back you kick down that wall. I promise to be a better sister and i will always be there for you.
Mum, im so proud of everything youve done and if i was half the person you are id be so happy. You dont deserve whats happened to you. You dont always have to be the strong one for all of us, i now you hurt inside and i cant take away the pain but i will always love you more then anything in the world no matter what happens. Your so strong and ill be sure to tell everybody our story.
To all the family's going through something like this, i love you, carry on being strong and my best wishes to you, i hope good things come to you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment